I feel it when I’m driving alone in my car. I feel it when I’m sitting at home after a long day at work. It tugs at me when I lie awake in the middle of the night, unable to go back to sleep.
It finds me when it’s quiet, when it’s just me and my thoughts; the loud kind of silence that makes me feel restless and uneasy.
To counter this feeling, I grab for my phone and go through the imaginary rolodex in my mind of the people I could call or text. I turn on the radio and search amongst my five country music presets until I find just the right song with which to sing along. I turn on the TV and accidentally watch three episodes of The Hills marathon (as I simultaneously curse it as being the source of all that is wrong with society). I mindlessly facebook until I end up on someone’s cousin’s boyfriend’s vacation pictures. I do everything I can possibly think of to fill the silence, to avoid that feeling.
If only for a short time, I’m quite successful at bypassing this feeling. But regardless of how skilled I get at finding new and creative ways of killing my time or zoning out, the feeling always finds me again.
The truth is, I have felt this feeling my whole life. When I was younger I called it boredom, when I got a little older I called it ADHD, and when I got a little older I called it loneliness- none of which I now know to be the true source of this odd feeling.
I think I’m finally beginning to figure it out.
This morning in church, the preacher read the following verses from the book of Galatians:
“Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, ‘Abba, Father.’ So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir.” (Galatians 4:6-7).
I got stuck on the phrase “the Spirit who calls out ‘Abba, Father.’” So, if I’m reading this correctly- God gave me the Spirit of his Son. It’s inside of me. It is the same powerful Spirit that created the world, that raised people from the dead- that same Spirit resides in this pile of flesh and bones.
But it doesn't go into great detail. The verse simply says it’s the Spirit that calls out “Abba, Father,” or in other words, the Spirit that is calling out, “Dad!”
As I was thinking about this, a movie clip came to mind.
It’s the scene from the 2000 movie The Patriot in which the father is preparing to leave his children to go to war. As he is saying goodbye to them one by one, he comes to his youngest daughter who is about seven or eight years old. This daughter, whose name is Susan, hasn’t spoken in months. He kneels down in front of her and begs her to say goodbye or to say anything at all, but she only stares at him. He even tries to hug the little girl but she quickly steps back. Clearly heartbroken, he gets on his horse and begins to ride away. There is a close-up shot of Susan, clutching her teddy bear watching her father ride away. The rest of the family begins to turn around to walk back to the house, but Susan stays, staring. Then, in a moment of panic, the little girl starts running after her father crying and yelling, “Papa, don’t go! I’ll say anything! Please Papa, I’ll say anything you want! What do you want me to say? I’ll say it! Promise Papa, please don’t go!” Needless to say, her father stops, jumps off his horse, runs to Susan and embraces her.
Whew. Rip my heart out and throw it on the ground.
There have been few scenes in a movie that have moved me to tears like the first time I watched this little girl cry out for her father. It’s innocent. It’s desperate. It’s a little girl wanting to be close to her father, wanting his protection and love.
I think this begins to describe this mysterious feeling I find myself having so often. Could it be that this feeling is the Spirit of the Lord which lives in me, crying out for my Father? It may not be so passionate and tearful, but that’s only because I’ve done such a good job suppressing it for so many years, chalking it up to mere restlessness when in fact it has only ever been my Spirit longing for my Father.
And I know you feel it too.
It is the Spirit inside of you that is constantly grasping for something more, something deeper, longing for that intimate, you-know-me-better-than-anyone-else kind of connection. It is the Spirit inside of you that is calling out to the only being that can truly satisfy, the only being for whom you were truly made.
It is the Spirit inside of you telling you to turn off the distractions, give up on all of the things you think will truly fulfill you- and simply be with the God who made you.
Embrace the silence. Embrace the quiet moment God has given you to simply rest in his presence. Cry out to Him. Sing to Him. Laugh with Him! He is your Father- and He adores you.
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