Lessons from Lili

Mother-daughter relationships are complex. My relationship with my mom is no different. On one hand, I simply don’t know how I would live without her. On the other hand, a lot of times we drive each other absolutely up the wall.

I call her everyday on my twenty minute drive home from work. If I’m trying a new recipe, it is impossible for me not to call her at least five times from the grocery store.

“Regular or heavy whipping cream?”
“What’s the difference between salted and unsalted butter?”
“Why are spices so expensive?”

She’s one of few people in this world who I can read as easily as a children’s book. In five seconds flat I can tell if she’s happy, annoyed, tired, or if she accidentally had real coffee this morning instead of decaf. She’s passionate and loves deeply. You never quite know what will come out of her mouth next. She’s silly and her giggles are punctuated with the occasional snort. She’s the only member of my family that will booty dance with me in the kitchen when a fun song comes on over the radio. She doesn’t do anything halfway and will send you back to clean the bathroom if it wasn’t done right the first time. (I still don’t understand why it’s necessary to clean underneath the toilet, who’s going to see that anyway?)

I’ve learned so many things from her and she’s simply too good of a mother for all her valuable lessons to go unheard by everyone else but my brother, sister and I. So, until she writes a book on parenting, this blog post will have to suffice. Here’s just a few things I’ve learned from my mom.


You can always wash your hands. These words serve as my mantra when I finish washing dishes and my hand’s last task is to bravely dive into the cloudy, tepid sink water and unclog the drain of whatever food has settled there; this week it’s the remnants of last week’s scrambled eggs. The trip from the drain to the garbage may only last a few short seconds, but I wince the entire time until I can get my hands back under the faucet and covered in soap. I imagine my mom had to teach herself this lesson after serving as a nurse and never knowing what the bodily fluid-de-jour would be. And then again as a mom, wrestling the dirty diapers, vomit, and bloody wounds that inevitably come with raising three children. It was what she would tell me when it was my turn to clean out the chicken coop, de-vein the shrimp for her famous stew, clean the toilets, or the many other nasty tasks I had as a kid. In its immediate context, I suppose it was Mom’s way of teaching me not to be a prissy girl afraid of touching gross things.

As I got older, I carried this little piece of advice with me.

I remember a phone call I made to my mother while I was in college. It was one of those tear-filled conversations, the kind girls make to their mothers when they just need to get it all out. Heartbroken over a recent breakup, I was telling her how guilty I was feeling over mistakes I had made. Until that time, my dramatic self thought the best formula for combating guilt was to mope around all day, as if to prove to God how sorry I was for what I had done. This strategy failed miserably and ironically only proved to make me weaker and more likely to mess up again. I’m sure by this point my mom was over my angst, so on the phone that day she simply told me, “You know what, Daley? People mess up. We’re all human. We all make mistakes. Now pick yourself up and move on.” Simple advice, but it sobered me up and stuck with me.

I realized she was telling me the same thing she had told me years before. At some point, we all find ourselves among the filth and refuse of mistakes we’ve made. This was Mom’s way of reminding me to go the faucet, wash my hands, and get on with my life.

Don’t ignore crying strangers. It doesn’t happen often, but if you see someone who’s crying- whether they’re walking past you on the street or you hear them in the next bathroom stall over, always ask them if they are alright. You never know what people are dealing with and just stopping to talk to them could make all the difference in the world.

Swallow your pride and apologize. My mom and I share the same “Type A” personality. We’re assertive, in charge, not afraid to state our opinion, and sometimes it can get us in trouble. My mother also happens to be Mexican, adding to the equation her fiery little personality. Just like all of us, my mom has said things in the heat of the moment that she regretted, either to us or to my dad. I don’t remember any of those things she said but I do remember what happened afterwards. She apologized. Immediately.

This may not sound like novel advice, but I think a lot of relationships could benefit from learning how to do this. If you said or did something wrong, apologize for it. Don’t wait until tomorrow. Don’t wait until you’ve vented to someone else about it. Suck it up and apologize, immediately and genuinely. Then forget about it and move on.

Do the good. I don’t know about you, but this happens to me a lot: I’ll be at the grocery store and the check-out girl behind the counter just has the prettiest smile. Or the cutest earrings. Or the most gorgeous hair color. The guy at the coffee shop has the coolest tattoo. The couple at the restaurant has the most adorable baby. I find myself thinking these things but more often than not I walk away without saying a word. And this is when I hear my mom’s voice. “Do the good.” Yes, these people are strangers. Yes, they may get totally creeped out by my random compliment. But giving the compliment is a good thing to do, so do it. You were thinking the nice thought, so say it.

But this rule doesn’t only apply to silly compliments (although I promise you it will make someone’s day), but is helpful in a lot of other situations.

Not sure whether you should apologize to that old friend? Do it.

Write the note you’ve been wanting to write? Write it.

Tell someone how much you look up to them? Tell them.

If it’s a good thing, if it’s a positive thing, if it brings healing, encouragement, or reconciliation, don’t think twice- do it.

Everyone can use more hugs and kisses. In the summer of 2007, I went on a mission trip to Honduras. We spent one week there building a house and handing out clothes and food to people in need. I am ashamed to say that even though I’m half Mexican, my Spanish is terrible. So, for my first few days in Honduras, I awkwardly stumbled through introductions and dreaded talking to anyone because I had no way to respond. But then I remembered my mom. I decided to stop worrying about trying to speak their language and do what my mom does best- hug them. Hug everyone. And not an obligatory, polite hug. Hug them with some umff. Hug them in a way that says, “I’m glad you’re alive. You are precious.” Whether it’s a poor, toothless Honduran man who reeks of B.O., that old woman from church who’s in a nursing home, or your best friend- a good hug and a kiss on the cheek will always be more powerful than even the most beautiful words.

Sit up straight. Good posture exudes confidence. It also has the added benefit of making your bosoms (or pectorals, gentlemen) appear larger. This got me sitting up straight real fast.

You are normal and extraordinary. I don’t pretend to know how hard it is to be a parent. There are so many decisions, and the way you handle each of them will forever affect your child. No pressure. One of the greatest things my mom did was to make me feel normal when I needed it but also made me feel extraordinary when I needed that too.

All a middle-schooler wants to do is fit in. At 13, you want to know that you look, smell, act, and think like everyone else. She reminded me then that I wasn’t the only one who had to wear deodorant, I wasn’t the only one who had to get braces. My mom did as good of a job at this then as she does now. She reminds me that I’m not the only one who cries over silly things, makes stupid mistakes, or still gets zits in their twenties. She tells me that pale is the new tan, that hairy arms equals a better sex drive (?!), and that lots of people still don’t know what they want to be when they grow up.

But in the same way that I sometimes need to be reminded that I am normal and not a total freak of nature, there are also other times that I need to be reminded that I am just the opposite- that I am extraordinary. Sometimes it’s easy to feel lost in the crowd and forget what I could possibly have to offer this world. Then in steps Mom, to remind me that there has never ever been someone quite like me, with my talents and my abilities. Yes, it’s coming from the most biased source out there, but I’ll take it. Even at 26, I need to hear that I’m not just a nobody wandering the earth- I’m special, I’m unique, I’m awesome. Thanks Mom.

I can breathe a huge sigh of relief that I am abnormally normal.

Heaven will smell like babies. And no, I don’t mean the stinky-diaper or post-throw-up kind. I’m talking about the swaddled and freshly cleaned kind. There is simply not a better smell on the planet. Never pass up the opportunity to smell a baby. And if you’re willing to be that person with your nose pressed to a baby’s forehead, I promise it’s totally worth it. Go ahead, get a good, deep inhale; warm and sweet and new. If forgiveness had a smell, that would be it.

There are times to be tough, and there are times to cry. The first semester of my sophomore year of college I spent abroad in Vienna, Austria. I had been in Vienna for exactly one week when my mom called and told me that my dad had been diagnosed with colon cancer. I was devastated. I wanted to be there for my dad, I wanted to be there for my mom. How could she possibly handle all of this on her own? Because, after all, this was the woman who cried at Hallmark commercials and at the end of sappy movies. But over the next few weeks, when we would talk on the phone, I witnessed a complete transformation. I remember her telling me, “What’s the point of professing this faith in God if we only trust Him when things are easy?” It was as if she simply turned on her bravery switch and never looked back. I’ll never know everything that she went through during that time. After all, I was 6,000 miles away. But I do know that she spent the better part of a year watching her husband of 25+ years waste away to less than 140 pounds, doing her best to feed him something that wouldn’t make him nauseous.

You’d think that would be enough to prove how strong she was.

But about a year and a half after my Dad’s cancer went into remission, my 23 year old brother was diagnosed with cancer. So the woman who just watched her husband go through the horrible suffering of chemotherapy, now knew exactly what lay in store for her child. Once more, my mom picked herself up and got to work. She prayed, she cooked, she cleaned, she went outside and hushed the neighbor’s dogs who barked while my sick brother napped. There was even a few weeks there where she was given the task of giving my brother two shots a day to prepare him for his stem cell transplant. I think this is probably where I would have thrown in the towel. But not my mom. She doesn’t give up. She did everything short of take the chemotherapy for my brother, although if it were an option she would have done it in a heartbeat. I’m also pretty positive she would have started a full-out marijuana farm in our backyard if weed would have made him feel better.

Through all that my mom taught me that you’re tough sometimes because you don’t have any other choice. There is no other option but to be someone’s stronghold when they can’t do it themselves. Falling to pieces and giving up hope won’t get you anywhere.

By what I can only claim as a miracle, both my dad and brother are currently cancer free and healthy. Life has returned to normal. And the same woman who courageously cared for them during that time is the same woman who still cries every time we say goodbye at the airport and every time we watch the movie In Her Shoes.

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These are just a few highlights of all the wonderful things I’ve learned from my mother. Glad she’s mine.