So you've graduated from college. Now what?

Look at you. You’re a college graduate. You’ve put in your four or five (or maybe even six) years of hard work and now you’re ready for the real world. You’re ready for the next phase of life.

Or are you?

Perhaps you’re planning a wedding, perhaps you’re preparing for grad school. You may be moving away or moving home. Either way, a big change is-a-coming and there’s nothing you can do about it.

You knew college would go by quickly, you were told to soak it all in and live it up, but you didn’t really think it would go by that quickly...or that you would already miss it.

You were given so much advice about college: stay up late, think for yourself, try new things. But what happened to the advice about after graduation? What now?

I’ve often wondered to myself why no one told me what life would be like after college. Where was my warning?

I would have greatly appreciated it if someone had sat me down, looked me in the eye and said, “Ok, this is what’s going to happen. You will feel like you’re losing your mind, possibly hope, even your faith--but don’t worry, I promise they will return to you better than before.”

At least I would have seen it coming. At least I would have known I would get through it.

So this is for you, my college-aged friend.

As someone who is not far removed from the phase of life you find yourself in, I offer you my humble advice.

Navigating the post-college years:

1. Ask yourself “What identifies me?”

Perhaps the hardest lesson I learned after college was coming face to face with the person I had become. Not that it was bad. I’d learned so much, grown in so many ways, and certainly matured from the high school version of myself. But once college ended and I was separated from friends, classes, and the constant barrage of activity, the silence convicted me of something. It convicted me of my superficial faith, and the fact that for the past four and half years I had allowed pretty much everything but Christ to be my identity.

I found my identity in popularity, in being friends with everyone, in being over-involved, in the attention of the opposite sex, in getting good grades, in doing the “right things.”

And then one night while I was in grad school, I drove home alone after church. I parked in front of the house I shared with four other girls, turned the car off, but I didn’t get out. I don’t know why I remember that night so well, but as I sat there in my dark parked car staring blankly at the dashboard, it was as if for the first time I was seeing myself for exactly what I was......absolutely nothing. Everything I had allowed to validate me in college was gone and in that moment I finally realized my own insignificance without Christ. My eyes were opened to the shallow, murky pool I called my faith. And it was at once one of the hardest and greatest moments of my life. It was a starting point, a rebirth.

Take the time to ask yourself some honest questions. Do you live like you actually need Jesus? Take away the trappings of church and friends and the busyness of life--and what does your faith look like? What are you allowing to validate you?

In case you haven’t already noticed- everything in life changes. Christ never does. Build your house on the rock.

2. Resist the urge to become a cynic.

I love Conan O’Brien. And what he chose to say in his last few minutes of the last taping of the The Tonight Show made me love him even more. He looked directly into the camera and said:

“All I ask of you is one thing: Please don't be cynical. I hate cynicism -- it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen."

I’m not sure why it occurs, but for some reason after college so many people (myself included) develop a somewhat bitter and pessimistic mindset toward just about everything. Those people are too rich. Those people are too radical. Those people are not radical enough. Those people are too liberal. Those people are too conservative. And on and on and on and on.

Cynicism is for cowards. It’s easier to judge others than to get off your high horse and love them. And harder still to allow them to love you in return. Let people be who they are- however different that is from you- and even if you know they’ll never change.


3. Shower grace on others.

Friends. This is the truth of the matter: college is over. People change. Friendships evolve. Some get married, some move away, most of them get jobs. This makes maintaining friendships really challenging. But it’s okay. It doesn’t mean your friends love you less, it only means that--just like you--they’re attempting to navigate this new phase of life. Inevitably, dinners will get canceled, friends will bail at the last minute. You’ll go a month without seeing your best friend-- even when you live in the same town. Even so, schedule those lunches or phone dates every chance you get, write them into your planner. It will feel unnatural at first- having to schedule time with friends you used to see every day. But soon you’ll come to appreciate each other even more and savor every last second you get to spend together. Show them grace as they grow and change, because you’re growing and changing too.

Parents. I adore my parents. They’re wonderful, loving, level-headed people. There is no one I respect more than them. So, at the age of 22 when I realized that I vehemently disagreed with them about something for the very first time in my life (I’m not kidding)--it floored me. Honestly, I didn’t know how to handle it. What ensued was about three years of constant debates, with them in one corner wondering how on earth I belonged to them- and me in the other corner, convinced it was my lot in life to teach them all that my enlightened self had learned in college.

I realize this may not be the case with you. You may have stopped agreeing with your parents at age five and never looked back. You may not speak to one or both of your parents. You may not have one single thing in common with these two people whose DNA you share.

Regardless of the situation, show them grace. And then show them more grace. This is what I wish I would have done from the beginning. And not “I pity you” grace or “I secretly know I’m smarter than you” grace or even “anything for the sake of peace” grace. Show them real grace. Real grace is humble, accepting, loving, and best of all, freeing. So incredibly freeing.

People who are different than you. This may seem like a given. Because, after all, you’ve just finished college. You’ve probably protested things, attended rallies and benefits; you have opinions now. You’re wiser than ever. You’d never dream of not showing grace to someone who is different than you.

That’s what I thought too.

But somehow along the way I let the pendulum swing so far to the other side that I completely abandoned where I came from and began to embody precisely what I was so against in the first place- self-righteousness and obstinacy. It seems ironic to me now, but I see this phenomenon occurring still. Some people are the first in line to fight for any and every cause and faith and religion, and yet talk about their parent’s, grandparent’s, or neighbor’s more conservative religion as if it is a joke. This is ugly and hypocritical and not the type of brothers and sisters in Christ we are called to be.

Eventually, for me, I began to feel the weight and exhaustion of having to be so right all the time. And so I let it go. And let me tell you, (again), freedom abounds in allowing people to live and worship the way they choose.

So learn to show grace like it’s your job. Because, at the end of the day-- it’s actually you that needs the grace. Or as author Shauna Niequist says:

“At first, showing people grace makes you feel powerful, like scattering candy from a float in a parade--grace for you, grace for you. You become almost giddy, thinking of people in generous ways, allowing for their faults, absorbing minor irritations. You feel great, and then you start to feel just ever so slightly superior, because you’re so incredibly evolved and gracious.
But then inevitably something happens, and it usually involves you confronting one of your worst selves, often in public, and you realize that you’re not throwing candy off a float to a nameless, dirty public, but rather that you are that nameless, dirty public, and that you are starving and on your knees, praying for a little piece of sweetness, just one mouthful of grace.”


4. Take risks, chase your dreams, but remember God isn’t after glamour.

This sounds cheesy and clichéd, but there really is no better time than now to chase your dreams. Do that one thing (or the many things) that you’ve always wanted to do but couldn’t because you were in school or because you were too busy worrying about what other people would think. Move across the country. Move to a different country. Take up crocheting. Take a belly-dancing class. Run a marathon. Write poetry. Whatever it may be- do it! Don’t put it off.

At the same time, don’t get lost in the glamour of finding a grand adventure after college. If you happen to find yourself in a hut in Africa after college- that’s great. But if you happen to find yourself living with your parents and working 40 hours a week at Starbucks- that’s great too. There is great adventure in both. And call me crazy- but I just don’t believe that God is really concerned with your location. God wants you to honor him, whether that’s by feeding hungry children in Uganda, or serving up the gospel alongside someone’s caramel macchiato. There are souls to save abroad, and there are souls to save here. Adventure is just as abundant here as it is anywhere else. And while there may be extreme physical poverty in third world countries to alleviate, there is extreme spiritual poverty everywhere (especially in this country) that needs just as much of our attention.

Do a lot of praying. Apply to a bunch of different types of jobs. Volunteer with different types of organizations. God will lead you where he needs you to be, even if that’s exactly where you are.


5. Embrace uncertainty.

Me offering advice on embracing uncertainty is like Eminem offering marital advice or Jessica Simpson teaching an acting class. I still have so far to go, and my attempt to be alright with uncertainty has been a train wreck at best.

As humans, I think we naturally abhor uncertainty. We want to know the who, what, where, when, why, and how of every last detail of our life. But how often do we actually get that? The plans we spend years obsessing over can be thwarted in a matter of seconds. Which leads me to ask the question- why bother making so many plans in the first place?

If you’re like me, college graduation marks the first legitimate freak-out moment. You don’t have an automatic next step to climb like you did after high school, and well, now you’re a full-fledged adult- you’re supposed to be able to make decisions for yourself. Should you go to grad school? If so, what for? Should you look for a job? If so, what kind of job? Should you move to a new place? If so, where and for how long? Cue the anxiety.

But however much I hate uncertainty, if I’m honest, the times in my life that were the most uncertain were also the times I was closest to God. Perhaps it was only for lack of anything or anyone else to turn to- but nevertheless, times of uncertainty found me clinging to God’s leg like a scared toddler, eyes clinched shut just waiting for it all to be over. It may not have been pretty- and it most certainly was desperate- but I learned that being near to God is the safest place to be.

I do know that eventually it gets easier and somehow by the grace of God I survived the four tumultuous years since college graduation. I feel like I’ve lived five lifetimes since then, and I never would have guessed I’d end up where I am today. Looking back on these crazy years, I can see how God was refining me over and over again- burning away the impurities called cynicism, self-righteousness, pride, and fear.

So wherever God chooses to take you next, dear friend, I will not wish you the best. That would be too easy. I wish you what I’ve had- a wild and unexpected adventure full of both heartache and laughter- that landed me closer to God than I’ve ever been before.

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What advice would you offer the recent college grad?
What do you wish someone would have told you about life after college?

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A GREAT book to read after college: 48 Days To The Work You Love by Dan Miller